Guys, I just moved in with my girlfriend. We've been together for over a year and have never really fought. Now all of a sudden I find everything she does totally annoying ($48 on fashion magazines?!?). I think she feels the same way about me given the lecture I got about not wiping the kitchen counter. Are we dust?

BRET SAYS...
Yes. Yes, you are totally dust. As Kansas once said, All We Are Is Dust In The Wind. Maybe you should try singing some Kansas to your girlfriend. That usually snaps chicks out of a funk and makes them glad to see you.

Okay, here's the deal. When Kate and I first moved in together I thought it would be good to impress her with my command of the kitchen. The way to a woman's heart being through her stomach and all that.

Once, I had some really good chili where the secret ingredient was two squares of unsweetened chocolate. It was a revelation. Hey! Chocolate doesn't have to be sweet! It can be savoury too! So when it came time to show off my chops over the stove, I dreamed up a little something special inolving cocoa-infused brown rice. Over top, I served sautéed scallops in Clamato sauce. It tasted like 12 layers of ass. Kate did not like eating it. I did not like eating it either. It sat there uneaten on the table between us. She was too polite to say it tasted like twelve layers of ass and I was too full of Grade 7 pride to just frickin' dump it in the garbage and order something Thai instead.

And I felt small and humbled inside. Are we, I asked myself, dust? Looking back, the answer is clear: Of course not, you wanker. What is the lesson here? Quit being such a wanker and go order something Thai instead.

KATE SAYS...
Are you dust? Not if you do something about this fast. When Bret and I moved in together, I personally felt like killing him about five minutes into the whole deal. Let me guess: She puts her toothbrush too close to yours on the bathroom shelf. She doesn't put her shoes in the closet. She doesn't notice when you put her shoes in the closet for her time and time again.

You say you’ve never really fought. Bret and I communicated pretty much exclusively by snapping at each other and glaring for the first week we lived together, after sustaining an impressive dewy and doe-eyed phase in our relationship. If you’ve been together for a full year and never once had a proper drag-’em-out, hold-no-prisoners yelling match, there is probably something you're not telling each other—like how you hate scallops boiled in Clamato juice.

The luxury of being able to slink back to your own place to stew and steam and repress all those pent-up resentments over niggling slights is gone. Now you actually have to talk to each other.

Bottom line, stop your passive-aggressive moping. If it really bugs you that she’s never the one to let the cat out in the morning, you should say so. You’re being petty, but at least you can say it out loud, and it will give her a chance to tell you how annoying you’re being too. There. Now you know how to fight. Enjoy never having to eat that crap again.